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A wife’s amazing perspective. From Havok journal. The metal edge clinks against the dining room table as he sits down for dinner. When he rests his hand on my back, I can feel the extra weight of it against my body. I can feel it digging into my flesh when we make love. Again, it’s there as we snuggle on the couch. The sun catches the worn sides as he holds my daughter’s hands. At breakfast, lunch, and dinner it is always there; he never takes it off. It never leaves us and it never will. Sometimes I find myself staring at that bracelet and wishing it, and all the pain and heartache it brings with it, away. It has become part of us; a part of our family. It represents something different for each of us. For my husband it is a friend, a mentor, a man who impacted his life, who he fought beside, ate beside, laughed with–a brother. It represents a relationship I will never understand as I have never been there. I have never been on the other side of the world fully relying on the man next to me to bring me home to my wife and children. Instead, I have been on the other side. The waiting side. That remembrance bracelet represents everything I fear. It is a constant reminder that there are too many wives who are living my greatest nightmare. I hate that bracelet. Every time I see it, I see the face of his wife at the funeral. I feel the punch to the gut that the phone call brought. The guilt I felt for feeling relieved. I see her standing tall and strong, a true warrior’s wife; a warrior herself. And I see what my life would be, were I to have a bracelet, instead of my husband. I also see so much love when I see that bracelet. I see a part of someone special touching our life every day with his reminder. I see the family comprised of no blood relation, that surrounds his wife and holds her up when she cannot stand. It is a reminder that there is something worth fighting for, there is something worth laying down your life for. Those bracelets represent the real-life superheroes we are blessed with in this world. And today, another bracelet is being made. Another wife is living a nightmare wished upon nobody. #thetitanproject
Thanks to our veterans, family, friends and our partners @eyeconicfishing for making our winter ice fishing rod build another awesome event. We’re not just building fishing rods we’re #buildingthetribe #thetitanproject #veteranshelpingveterans
READ!! Repost 4 of 4 from @havokjournal ・・・ “I don’t need help. I’m fine. Everyone else is wrong, nobody gets me and I will figure it out myself.” These and other lies we tell ourselves are the ones that are killing us. Tell the truth, brothers. I am angry much of the time. I burn my kids to the ground with my words. I hold myself and others to unattainable standards. I bury myself in work because I can control it. I avoid my life because it’s unpredictable, messy. I can’t recall the last night I slept through, the last day I didn’t feel the world on my chest or the pain from all the people I’ve hurt and how much I enjoyed it. I hate that I miss the rush. I miss feeling the flow of being on the OBJ. I miss the unspoken link with the men to my left and right on target. I miss the power to end another’s life. I am terrified that I will lose my wife and my children because I can’t get my act together and I have contemplated suicide when I have fallen into the darkness of a life owning the night. There are good days and bad days, that’s life. But I have experienced many more good than bad since I walked into the V.A. and spoke those words of truth for the first time out loud. You are not alone. Suffering and suicide are not uniquely veteran phenomena, much like compartmentalization and conditioning are not uniquely “Ranger.” Mental health and suicide is a wholly human epidemic in America today (rising 24% from 1999 through 2014)1. . I write this message with a spirit of hope. If one sentence resonates with you, I hope you take action. Have a real conversation today, be honest and be prepared to be “seen”. Written by @brandon.young14. Thanks for reading and sharing with your tribe. #thetitanproject
READ! Repost 3 of 4 ・・・ I think we may be ashamed of our humanity and the emotions we wrestle with today: days, months and years after living a life of abandon. We stay in our “box” after service; wear our unit swag, grow our beards long, tattoo our units on our bodies (I certainly did) and generally live with an attitude appropriate to when our job required us to be strong in austere environments on the periphery of society. Why do we still do this after service? Because we don’t know how to come home. “We all pay for it. At some point, we will all pay the price.” I shared these words with my squad at “pool PT” after we returned from Afghanistan our second time in 2003. Many of us were feeling uneasy around our community, out of place. Different. Emotion is a human function. You can learn how to compartmentalize it, to ignore it, but it will not go away. From the most senior men in the formation to the lowest private, we are all people. All of us wrestle with emotions thought to be long forgotten. We have an insidious lie tearing into the fabric of our community. The façade, the lie, is that you have to be a stone-hard, emotionless killer to be “in.” I don’t know about you, but I’m exhausted with it. If buying this lie every day is required to be “in,” then I’m out. I think we hold onto “Ranger” more than we hold on to “brother” and I believe we are lying to ourselves if we think we aren’t afraid to be real and start talking about what’s really going on. I think we are scared to admit that we are hurting, that we don’t know how to fight what’s going on inside our hearts and our heads. That we can’t figure out how to engage with our loved ones, that we can’t say “I’m sorry” or “I don’t know.” That if we admit it, we are weak and worthless. No longer worthy of our place within this brotherhood. I think we’ve become afraid to say, “help, please.” “I don’t need help. I’m fine. Everyone else is wrong, nobody gets me and I will figure it out myself.” These and other lies we tell ourselves are the ones that are killing us. Tell the truth, brothers. Written by @brandon.young14. #buildingthetribe